Welcome To The Tenth Circle: “Hello Kitty” Hell

So here’s the deal: The Hello Kitty thing?

I’m just. Not. Into. It.

Matter of fact, my aversion to the mouthless creature has steadily swollen—not unlike her head— over the years.

It’s not just because the creature’s  a scene-o-type as overplayed as Fall Out Boy’s greatest hits

(ditto, tiaras—leave ‘em to Quinceneras, Scenario Dawson: what do you think this is, 2007?);

nor is it the result of the anti-feminist mentality in which she’s so flagrantly mired

(the fact that she lacks a mouth implies that she has no voice—i.e., it functions as a visual signifier for the notion that females are docile, harmless, submissive and frail);

instead, it’s the sum of aforementioned, and the fact that this seemingly innocuous emblem of corporate consumption has evolved into a full-blown omnipotent presence.

Sure, there are moments in which I feel I’ve become a bitter old queen*, or as if I’m the Grinch of Sanrioville—

though recently I discovered a source of salvation through

Hello Kitty Hell: One Man’s Life With Cute Overload.

I couldn’t help but feel an immediate camaraderie with this Canadian dude who inadvertently spawned his allergy to The Evil Feline by encouraging his wife to pursue a business venture doing something she enjoys.

Whether or not you’re a fan of that critter whose name includes a salutation, I feel it necessary to share this post, as we’e got a serious case of fagswag to analyze here, folks.

EXHIBIT A:

The comments tend to veer toward LOLercaust territory, as well.  Darlene, a “repeat offender” in the Department of Commentary, is a brilliant construct.  Nonetheless, the veracity of her existence is mere conjecture on my part (a fancy way of saying “Hey baby, don’t even try to hate crime me for hinting that any J.T. Leroy action might be goin’ on here.  Aiiight?)

CHECK IT:

Ah, but the best is yet to come!  (The Best Awful, that is…)  Con’t

Nevertheless,

Some of the comments

Tend to

Exhaust

With

Their

RepetitiveRepetition,SuperDeluxeBonusAddition.

I can’t help but wonder if their obsession with infantile mascots has made their eyes go blank as The Howdy You-Know-Who‘s, since what does our tormented HKH host have posted in the upper right hand corner of his site as the only information listed under “About Me”?

Yet still…

But

STILL, YET—NOTHING BUT NOTHING PREPARED ME TO FIND THESE ABOMINATIONS WHILE INNOCENTLY TRAIPSING AROUND THE INTERWEBS:

Orange. They’re low-rise, ass-enhancing, clearly aimed at the queerly-inclined consumer… and orange.

Nice, uh, white panel detail around the taint area; doncha think?  Now two infinitely appealing options exist for Kitty-Cloneheads of the xy set: the first pair shown, in white—complete with a crimson-colored perineum swatch resembling one who’s been cursed with [AHEM!] a periodical of the monthly nature

—or—

The “Take-A-Bite-Out-Of-Mine” Creamsicle Ass-Munchers.

BUT(t), OH NO…THAT’S NOT ALL.

She’s risen from the litter box and focused her attention more DEAD & CENTER, DUDES:

Hello Kitty “Manties”?!

You. Have. Been. Warned.

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Comments (12)

  1. 7:55 am, March 9, 2012Wiesen  / Reply

    Hilarious! Fantastic! Right-on….

  2. 4:49 pm, August 20, 2010Ugly Shyla  / Reply

    I want those men’s underwear.Which is disturbing on so many levels.

  3. 6:57 am, May 30, 2010Miles  / Reply

    …where (what) … would …you …even buy these from (for)? Seriously…

    Despite the deceiving photos I think these are probably aimed at little skinny alternaqueers for their MySpace posed “oh-no-I-appear-to-have-lost-my-clothes” shots.

    At least this way it could be slightly more youth excusable.

    SLIGHTLY.

    But not enough.

  4. 2:54 am, May 25, 2010jesseeeeee  / Reply

    Hahahaha. What a joke.
    “Make you so Shining!”
    If I’m going to wear tight underwear it isn’t going to be covered in mute felines.

  5. 7:44 pm, May 21, 2010wes  / Reply

    Talullah, that was tooo funny, and Clint as odd as this might sound i think i might wear those orange low rises :D

  6. 7:11 pm, May 21, 2010Tallulah  / Reply

    I facebooked you, go check that shiz out. haha.

  7. 10:00 am, May 21, 2010Tallulah  / Reply

    I hate typos. *grumble*

  8. 9:59 am, May 21, 2010Tallulah  / Reply

    Fucking hilarious! Seriously.

    As for me… I am not a huge fan or anything, but I don’t share your strong aversion.
    I actually only own TWO Hello Kitty items & I cherish them both, dearly. The were gifts from our lovely Ukrainian princess, Veronika.

    This post did make me think of an old Hello Kitty parody skit that I saw on Conan O’Brien WAAAAY back in the day. I have it recorded on VHS around here someplace. It was too flippin’ funny!

    I have looked everywhere for said HK propaganda film on the interwebs, but I can not find it. *sad face* I am not giving up yet though, I want you to see it. Though I fear it might not be as funny as I remembered. ha!

    xo

  9. 1:51 pm, May 15, 2010Maria Fernanda Tinoco  / Reply

    Hahaha!
    Just showing you some love in you page!
    And it’s true hello kitty is now too much!!!
    you’ve been in Japan, right? then you’ll know to what point the hello kitty madness goes! (even worst -i think- than those “manties”) hahahahaha!
    It’s always nice reading your stuff :)
    hugs!!! :)

  10. 5:49 am, May 14, 2010Mesila  / Reply

    I have it on good authority from long conversations with Urrow (who is a cat of the “cat” variety, not a cat of the squeal-of-13-year-old-girls-at-each-other variety) that the feline community considers HK as having invited a most severe response by insulting cats in general by making this stupid shit have anything whatsoever that refers to the cat species supposedly inclusive of it. By “severe response”, Urrow was very clear on the point that what’s meant is “droves of razor-clawed assassin cats converging upon the Sanrio factory and leaving the whole operation in bloody ribbons of whoever’s idea this first was left strewn amidst piles of shredded cloth and paper. Cats like to be cute. HK is “kawaii” – which doesn’t merely translate to ‘cute”, but a kind of cute that true Cats wouldn’t put up with. Some go feral at the mere sight of those two dots that are supposed to be eyes. And the fact that she’s obviously declawed fills them with vengeance-fuelled fury. Declawing a cat is like breaking a person’s first finger joint clean off.

    Sanrio: You are doomed. “Repent and pray for Bast to have mercy on you, before it’s too late…” is what I’d say to them, were it not obvious that it already is too late.

  11. 7:34 am, May 13, 2010queenstaceface  / Reply

    To quote the description; “Crotch bag before the sudden shock while bullet-dimensional design makes you look more prominent at the same time to “release” more comfortable.”
    …???
    Hello brick wall. What’s that smeared all over you?
    Oh, just humanity.
    I don’t give a flaming fuck that they “Make you so Shining!”, they’re more vomit-inducing than a bottle of tequila.
    Espesh the red & white ones. Not even gonna GO there.

  12. 3:52 am, May 13, 2010Alcy  / Reply

    SO TACKY! I used to think HK was cute, but the fad’s really kind of killed it for me.

    Also, there have been male HK dolls (not sure how many, but there was at least a “groom”) that didn’t have mouths either.

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